Waiting. And worrying

It's the waiting that's the hardest, toughest part of any situation, be it your order at Nandos or your test results at the doctors. Now, I realise the vast difference between the two, but let me explain; or atleast attempt to. Once a decision has been made, no words or thoughts or even actions can change that decision. So it's the waiting after the decision has been made that is torturous; it is during that time that the doubts creep in. Questions arise; have I made the right choice; what if something goes wrong. It is when we wait that we are our most vulnerable, when we doubt not only our decisions but even ourselves. We question our whole lives during that waiting period, because well as we all know humans can be quite melodramatic. What I'm trying to get to, is that we spend most of our lives worrying during the small moments of waiting. Instead, we could have spent that time enjoying the thrill of not knowing rather than worrying. So I try to keep in mind that whatever is meant for me will never miss me, and whatever is to miss me will never come to me. I try to have faith in my decisions, in myself, and in God. 

Thunderstorms

So I'm experiencing thunderstorms in more than one sense of the word:

The flash of lightening pierced the sky and the world around her lit up in the darkness whilst her heart experienced the pain that his anger lashed out. It was crazy how the weather suddenly mirrored exactly how she was feeling; a flash of searing white pain followed by thunderous thoughts. She lay listening to the sounds of the storm around her, and her racing heart matched the sound of the falling rain and the headache pounding behind her forehead. She lay wondering what may come after this thunderstorm; a rainbow or just the soggy ruins after the night was over.  Flash after flash of light assaulted her over sensitive eyes, yet she hardly blinked, fuelling the ache at her temples. Normally, she would find the sound of rain comforting; soothing, however, tonight her feelings were mostly clouded with worry, and even though she felt the sharp sting of unexpected neglect, she could not bring herself to feel anything other than fear for his safety. Staring at the blank screen of her phone, she awaited his reply, or atleast some sort of indication that he was fine. And she stared for what seemed to be years rather than minutes, the thought that the long night had just begun going through her mind. Crazy images of him being in danger during this turbulent weather had her panicking; one of her many traits. She tended to over-think situations and end up assuming the worst. That was normal for her though. She tended to do that with the simplest of issues, coming up with the silliest of ideas. Yet, even knowing how ridiculous her over active imagination could be sometimes, she couldn't shake the uneasiness uncurling in her stomach. And she waited ... 

When life is too simple

The hardest part about being a last born child is that your parents will always think of you as just that; a child. Even now, months after reaching the ripe age of well legality - heck nearing 19 full years of my existance on this earth - my parents view of me is of an imbecile who is utterly incapable of making any life decisions for herself. At first I didn't mind that much coz hey, what decisions can a teen ever make without her parents but when it comes to my dreams and what I want, I refuse to hold back. I know where they are coming from. I'm their baby girl and they don't want to see me all grown up yet even though I might look twelve, I most certainly am not. Life decisions are exactly that; life altering. It's hard to move on with my life and my dreams when I have nearly everyone around me pulling me back and holding me down. It's time to stand up for what I want and what I need; and that is the ability to grow and learn who and what I am. 

Cool, calm and definitely not collected

It's crazy how one question can open a tidal wave of emotion within you. For days I've been cool and calm and collected. Or so I thought. It seems that having your dreams shattered does take a toll on your mental health; or in this case mine. Trying hard to be okay with the hand I've been dealt does not actually mean I'm okay. And I'm not okay. Maybe it's the hormones or maybe it actually is just mood swings; I don't know. All I do know is that I'm glad that I've got it all out of my system. Feelings I didnt even know I had surfaced and many questions in my ever active brain were finally answered. I guess letting go sometimes actually does help. That's the thing with life; like a train, it moves on. It's just up to us to decide whether we're settling down for the ride. 

Butterflies. Or rather the whole damn zoo

There are moments in life which bring about a sudden change within a specific part of our human anatomy; our stomachs. The feeling of falling very hard, very fast causes this feeling, and I must say, it is a feeling that lasts not only a second or a moment but is remembered throughout your lifetime. Right now, I'm thinking of the way my stomach feels when my dad hits the accelerator on the roads towards the plateau; the simple sloping dips of a road can make me feel so wonderfully alive. Then there's the moment on the steepest roller coaster in the park where the carriage stops and teeters over the edge, and just before the plunge downwards, there's a feeling of freedom; of flying high up away from the world below. And when you touch the hand of the one your heart holds, well that's where the whole damn zoo comes in, and that emotion brings about the feeling of being found, of finally belonging. These are the moments that stay with us, because, not only do they affect our bodies, they stay in our minds. So basically what I'm trying to say is that you need look for these moments in your everyday life and live for them ❤️

Surprises

It's crazy how mothers can be all love and smiles one moment, and then in the other, they're breathing fire. Nevertheless, I love my mum and I think it's about time someone does something just for her, i.e. me. 

Planning a surprise party is not as easy as it seems. In reality, it's a total pain. The number of lies I've told within the past week should be enough for my parents to ground me for the rest of the year. It's crazy though, how only yesterday I was panicking about every little detail; the weather; the serviettes (like seriously); even the possibility of my mother not turning up, but when I woke up this very cold morning, I got it. I do not have control over many aspects of my life. So the weather will just have to give itself a face lift because well, it's my mothers special day! 

India trip

Living in Malawi, I thought I might have become accustomed to the sight of cattle on the roads yet I was taken by surprise, or more like shock, when a white cow the size of our land cruiser stopped next to us in the middle of the extreme traffic on the main highway. #indiathings

This is my first post so bare with me. or is it 'bear'; i can never decide. Oh, the many mysteries of grammar.

So this being my first post i thought i might give you an insight on who Ayesha is. Well, Ayesha loves food. Wait, why am i talking, rather typing, in third person. So, i love food. You may ask, "what is there to love about food". The simple answer to that very complicated question is everything. The colours of food, the aroma of food and obviously the taste. I enjoy books. I relish them as much, and perhaps even more, as i do food. What was once a hobby slowly became a habit. I am nearly always reading some book or the other. However, if i get started on my fetish for books i might end up with pages long of writing that tours down many roads yet doesn't get us anywhere. I love children and I love slow songs. I love the smell of roses after its just rained and i love walking barefoot on cold tiles in the summer. 

I love my family. They are everything to me. This may sound sappy, but i treasure the moments when my whole family meets up and there is so much happening at once that it is impossible to distinguish one strand of conversation from another. Those are the memories that are close to my heart. By family, I do not only mean blood relations, but those that are deeper than blood; relations of the heart; friends. you may have noticed that I love a lot of things. that is how I function. I feel deeply or not at all. and that is what motivates me to write. Writing gives me a way to express myself; it is an outlet for all my thoughts and feelings and opinions. So I hope that you enjoy whatever I am to write.