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Thursday, 11 December 2014

Waiting. And worrying

It's the waiting that's the hardest, toughest part of any situation, be it your order at Nandos or your test results at the doctors. Now, I realise the vast difference between the two, but let me explain; or atleast attempt to. Once a decision has been made, no words or thoughts or even actions can change that decision. So it's the waiting after the decision has been made that is torturous; it is during that time that the doubts creep in. Questions arise; have I made the right choice; what if something goes wrong. It is when we wait that we are our most vulnerable, when we doubt not only our decisions but even ourselves. We question our whole lives during that waiting period, because well as we all know humans can be quite melodramatic. What I'm trying to get to, is that we spend most of our lives worrying during the small moments of waiting. Instead, we could have spent that time enjoying the thrill of not knowing rather than worrying. So I try to keep in mind that whatever is meant for me will never miss me, and whatever is to miss me will never come to me. I try to have faith in my decisions, in myself, and in God. 

Tuesday, 9 December 2014


So I'm experiencing thunderstorms in more than one sense of the word:

The flash of lightening pierced the sky and the world around her lit up in the darkness whilst her heart experienced the pain that his anger lashed out. It was crazy how the weather suddenly mirrored exactly how she was feeling; a flash of searing white pain followed by thunderous thoughts. She lay listening to the sounds of the storm around her, and her racing heart matched the sound of the falling rain and the headache pounding behind her forehead. She lay wondering what may come after this thunderstorm; a rainbow or just the soggy ruins after the night was over.  Flash after flash of light assaulted her over sensitive eyes, yet she hardly blinked, fuelling the ache at her temples. Normally, she would find the sound of rain comforting; soothing, however, tonight her feelings were mostly clouded with worry, and even though she felt the sharp sting of unexpected neglect, she could not bring herself to feel anything other than fear for his safety. Staring at the blank screen of her phone, she awaited his reply, or atleast some sort of indication that he was fine. And she stared for what seemed to be years rather than minutes, the thought that the long night had just begun going through her mind. Crazy images of him being in danger during this turbulent weather had her panicking; one of her many traits. She tended to over-think situations and end up assuming the worst. That was normal for her though. She tended to do that with the simplest of issues, coming up with the silliest of ideas. Yet, even knowing how ridiculous her over active imagination could be sometimes, she couldn't shake the uneasiness uncurling in her stomach. And she waited ... 

Monday, 1 December 2014

When life is too simple

The hardest part about being a last born child is that your parents will always think of you as just that; a child. Even now, months after reaching the ripe age of well legality - heck nearing 19 full years of my existance on this earth - my parents view of me is of an imbecile who is utterly incapable of making any life decisions for herself. At first I didn't mind that much coz hey, what decisions can a teen ever make without her parents but when it comes to my dreams and what I want, I refuse to hold back. I know where they are coming from. I'm their baby girl and they don't want to see me all grown up yet even though I might look twelve, I most certainly am not. Life decisions are exactly that; life altering. It's hard to move on with my life and my dreams when I have nearly everyone around me pulling me back and holding me down. It's time to stand up for what I want and what I need; and that is the ability to grow and learn who and what I am.